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We’ve been dating for 6 months now and about 2 months ago I recently found out through an ex of his that he was a frequent user of cocaine which led to their split because they both were on it. Of course this was so shocking to me and it was such a blow to my stomach. When I found out I felt betrayed, so I began to look up symptom’s of cocaine use before confronting him. As I read various articles on cocaine I couldn’t believe I was actually dating someone with such a habit. But it did answer a lot of questions I had about our relationship, such as our sex life was irregular and I thought he just simply wasn’t attracted to me or cheating not knowing that losing interest in sex as well as many other things was a side effect. Then I started to realize that he always blew his nose a lot but claimed he never had a cold. Another side effect called “draining.” All these things began to add up and I felt so crushed because I would have never known had I not ran into his ex girlfriend. With that said I approached him about the info I had found out and he said it was an old habit that he left behind and he no longer was involved in those type of things. Like a dummy I wanted to believe it so bad so I went along with it. Two months have passed and our sex life is non existant and that’s the only thing that would lead me to believe he is back on his old habits. I know I should let this relationship go, that is not the problem. The problem is how do I let him know I don’t want to be involved with him anymore and not cause him to turn to the drug even more or heavier if he’s using? I know I can’t control his actions regardless but I just want to get out and not be the cause of him turning or relying heavily on his old habit.
Thanks for everyone’s responses…I appreciate them all. Just to shed a little more detail on the situation. He was with his ex girlfriend for 3 years. He left her because they could never keep any money in the house between the two of them. How the conversation came about was that she told me as if I already knew as if I were just a new girlfriend that he did blow with. And when she said it, her response was: “You didn’t know? Girl please why do you think he’s never home during nights and he comes in at 3am in the morning?” The funny thing about it is that she lives in Mississippi and knew him like a book. At the beginning of our relationship that’s exactly what he did. When I confronted him about it he assured me that he’d let me know if he need help and I laughed like “Yeah right!” But he said that was the reason why he left her. The only symptoms I see now is that he rubs his nose a lot and we have no sex at all. None. He’s not on anti-depressants at all.
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don’t bring it up
watch your purse……..
If he is snorting coke right now, and you leave him….you would not be the cause of him snorting coke….right?
Please don’t feel bad for him. He has made his decision, now you need to make yours.
If he is still using, then it doesn’t matter how you tell him. Just make sure you get everything of your out of his house before you tell him.
Seriously just don’t bring it up! And dont acuse him! Maybe hes not
Sounds like he may still be using. If he has kicked the habit, let him prove it by getting tested for you. If he refuses, then you can leave him — not because he uses, but because he lies about it to you. You cannot control what he does when you break up, nor can you feel guilty. He makes his own choices.
Firstly you shouldn’t break up with him in the first place simply because he used to have a drug habit. The past is the past and should be left in the past where it belongs. If that is not the case and you are breaking up with him because you believe that he is currently using then you don’t have to worry about him relapsing… because he’s already using.
find another reason things dont work and just use that as an exuse
ask him if he is still using….if not it should not be a big deal to you that was his past but if he still is help him get some help if he wants if not tell him he has a choice you or drugs….depending on what he decides go from there. You shouldnt throw a relationship away over addiction if it can be helped
just because he has a low sex drive doesn’t mean he’s using cocaine!! is he on any anti-depressants or anything?
if you love him then dont leave him .
if you have a problem with him talk to him .
if he askes you to join , say no thanks , and if you feel realy uncoftable ask him to go to a help classes . or tell him its me or the drugs ? . if he loves you ,he will pick you ofcourse .
hope this helps .
I am in the exact situation as you but my boyfriend straight up told me about how he was an addict.
If and only if you have proof he is using again, talk to him about how it makes you feel.
You might just be a little paranoid and thats why you think he is on it again. idk though.
Hope i helped a little!
=)
I would sit him down…. and have a serious talk with him. I know its hard to do but you have to do it for yourself and for him. Think about everything you want to say BEFORE you talk to him. Think it through because you don’t want to have this discussion again. Try not to point fingers or blame at him… try and be as understand and supportive as you can. Let him know that you want to be there for him and that you care about him, but you want him to stop using drugs.
My ex boyfriend used to be addicted to painkillers, and when he told me… I felt the same way you did. The truth is, you don’t know what it’s like to be an addict so it may be hard for you to relate to him. I know that I thought….”well why can’t he just stop taking them if he knows it’s hurting me??” The answer isn’t that simple… If he really is addicted to using cocaine, you have to make sure that you try like you really care about him and that you want to help him if you can.
Its hard but he can’t do it alone and he has to want to do it himself…
Intervention time. But what is with the leaving him instead of trying to help him. Is it not that strong of a relationship or is it not worth the struggle. Either way you are not concerned about his habit, you are worried about your guilt.
Why is he hiding this from you? 6 months is still along way for 2 people so it all depends on you. Remember…. if he’s been on from a long time you may be endangering yourself or others close to you. But if you truly love him and care for him you should probably help him little by little depending on how long he’s been on it. If you’re planning to get married or have kids someday, then you should really take this into consideration. If he loves you sincerely and you to him, then you should look after him and try to revive him from this addiction. Speak to him and tell him that you love him and want the best for him. Tell him that you’d want him to go get fixed up. Who knows? maybe God brought you to him to make an intervention. If he still relies on his coke than you should break away for a while until he gets back on his feet (not saying that you should ignore him completely, just help him get back to a clean personality) That’s saying how much you care for him. If you care for him, help him
I wish good luck to ya. Hopefully you do the right thing.:)
good luck (yes… i know i said it twice)
If drug use is a deal breaker, then you need to leave him or he needs to get clean. You will not be the cause of him using more cocaine, his addiction is the cause.
You might benefit from a group like Al-Anon that helps family members of addicts. http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html
Cut it off, seriously, just do it by any means necessary!
First of all, you don’t know that he is still currently using. Many people have drug issues in their pasts and it’s not necessarily a lead in to a great conversation. You haven’t been betrayed if it’s no longer an issue, no more so than he should volunteer the fact that he used to wet the bed when he was a kid. Also, consider the interests of the person who enlightened you to this fact. She was no impartial third party here; she was an active participant and telling you this could serve ulterior motives of her own. Any number of non-drug related scenarios could account for diminished drive in a male from job stress to diabetes, being over weight or erectile dysfunction. He’s your man, not hers. Don’t you think he deserves the benefit of doubt or at the very least, conversation before you throw in the towel on him based on an ex’s account? Think about it: if exes were inclined to give good recommendations, they probably wouldn’t be exes. Good luck in whatever you decide.
Sweetie, listen, he had the habit before you and he will either be an addict, or a recovering addict we all hope, long after you. If you don’t trust him, or if he is not who you want to be in a relationship with, tell him the truth and walk away, it will hurt him less in the long run than you stringing him along.
You have a right to choose what kind of person you allow into your life, and your values are important to you… he has the same rights and it so doesn’t sound like your needs and beliefs are the same.
All that said, perhaps there are other reasons for your problems that have more to do with his feeling guilty than with him still having a drug problem. See if you can get him to go to a councilor to talk things through, but, remember, he is NOT your responsibility.
Good luck and take good care of yourself.
He will consume more wether he is happy that he is with youor sad & depressed that you left him. The thing is he will always find a scuse to use more and make it look like it is your fault. The point is regardless of what you do, he will always use more.
Tell him that you think that he needs help and if he makes a good attempt then you all can work on things. If he refuses to make the leap to try to do better than tell him things are over. When someone has a addiction it takes there life to fall apart because of the addiction to make them quite. There is this thing called “hitting rock bottom” maybe if you tell him that you are going to leave him because of thiss addiction that will be the rock bottom. I would think after ruioning two relationships over this drug would be enough but if not you are out of the situation. Drugs are something that ruions many lives and can cause people to go crazy but he has to do it for himself. You will never ever make him stop cause you want him too. Coke is the number one drug addiction in my book. Just tell him the truth cause you should have to take the fall with him, if it going to hurt him it is because he let it. Good Luck
My step father is an ex cocaine user, and he met my mom after being clean for eight years.. when she found out, she almost left, but his honesty and the length of sobriety made her stay.. While he was a light user, the side affects (such as nose blowing, etc) have been around.
The difference here is the honesty. If he was honest, then I would say you have no reason to leave. (That is, unless other areas of the relationship are failing)……
But to be frank, what made my step dad quit cold turkey is that his ex left him over it.. She told him that was why and he got a wake up call. Dont gloss over what he is doing to spare him the possible nose dive spiral…
If you tell him, he will either : Realize like my step dad did that the drug is ruininghis life and want to work to get clean
-or-
Fall into a spiral nosedive, to which he is going to have to hit rock bottom to be able to be in a place to get clean…
So either way, there is a good chance he will get clean, its up to him which path he choses.
Dont give a false truth to spare him… he is a drug user who needs a cold harsh reality check.. Dont enable him.
But above all, be strong, and be true to yourself
1) You can never be the cause of a drug habit. That is a personal choice, and no one can blame someone else for their choice.
Do not let that be a factor in your decision.
2) If he still uses – leave. You cannot change an addict, only the addict himself can do that, or decide to accept help to change.
3) If he doesn`t use anymore – talk. Open, honest. Ask him about why he did cocaine, and how you can be sure he does not use it anymore.
Explain it worries you. (this is , if you do love him enough to give him a chance). Tell him you are worried due to the lack of the physical side of the relationship. Ask him why that is.
or
3) Be honest – explain you cannot handle the pressure and the insecurities – and that he should find help to stop the addiction, but you will not be it. Then – leave quick, and don`t turn back. Get steel in your spine – for it might be hard to do.
Good luck
If its effecting his day to day life then this is a serious problem and you don’t want to get caught up in it. HIS problem can seriously effect YOUR future, relationships and otherwise. Ether you have to leave him or you have to work with him to solve it. If you really love the guy, you should confront him about it.
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Addiction is a disease that effects millions of people, it doesnt make you a bad person because your a drug addict, & Im guessing that your boyfriend is a good guy who has a serious issue that he must deal with, but if you really care for him & want a future with him, then I recomend that you confront him with your knowledge about his cocaine use & let him know that your willing to support him & be their for him, only if he chooses to get clean. Also addicts can look you in the eye & lie thru their teeth, { dont take it personal if he does, this is a part of the disease }, their are a few ways of knowing if indeed he is on drugs, just take alook at his pupils, if their large & seem different, chances are high that hes on cocaine. You can also google cocaine use symtoms. This may be a hard time for you, so if you plan on sticking with him, prepare yourself for some tough times.
I would say just talk to him about not wanting to be with him because of it and tell him that you dont like it
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